This whole money thing is making me sick....

My stomach hurts every day now. I am so tired of being financially stressed, tired of it to the point where I want to run screaming and tearing my hair out, only that won't fix anything. I am sick of begging relatives for loans. I am sick of worrying each time I buy food for my family that I'll get overdrawn - again - at the bank. M may or may not have a job interview in the next week - please, if you read this, keep you fingers crossed for us. I know it's not entirely his fault he doesn't have a job right now as there are very few jobs around here, but I am exhausted emotionally from being the only one earning any money, especially when they just cut everyone's hours at work. I do think he could try harder to find a job, even something temporary, just to get us through this. He is the one that really wanted to move here, away from a busier, more affluent community where we could both work and my mom could help out with childcare when our schedules overlapped. We don't have that here. I don't trust people I don't know with my kids, so we have to work opposing shifts if he ever gets a job.

I am so worn out....

On another un-cheerful note (if you've read this far I'm sorry for my dismal point-of-view today), I've been wondering lately about the overall importance of environmentally-related decisions I make... just the little day-to-day stuff. You know, like buying recycled (preferably 80% post-consumer waste) toilet paper. Eating vegetarian , unlike the rest of my family (which means making two main dishes some days), recycling everything I can, using animal-and-planet friendly products... it all costs more. Sometimes I wish I didn't care, that I could be one of those people who just buys whatever there is, whatever is the cheapest, like that gross ground beef sold in big tubes. Then I think about the other side - yes, it costs more and it takes more effort, but I am doing something positive. I think my kids are healthier than many. I get a little boost even from remembering my canvas bags when I go to the grocery store.

Why does it take more money and effort to do the right thing for the world we live in?

A day at the river...

Mat and I took the kids out to Cache Creek yesterday. We hiked a ways until we found a spot where there was some fairly calm water - gorgeous spot, with cliffs across the water from us. We spent the afternoon jumping in and out of the very clean, cold water, while Mat wandered downstream to fish. He didn't catch anything, but he still enjoyed it. I showed the kids pollywogs, which they were very excited by. Next time I'll take an old Mason jar so that we can catch some to watch grow into frogs, then we can set them free again. I'll also take sunscreen, since both Cyrus and I burned. Cassia's like her dad - she just gets brown.

Cyrus's cat Ichabod died suddenly. He disappeared for a few days, then Mat found him dead under the front walkway. We haven't told Cyrus that he died, just that he went away.

I set up a blog for my mom. She does doll stuff - see the link in my sidebar.

Hot, hot weather

According to our indoor/outdoor thermometer, it's been above 100 the past few days... uuuugggghhhh. Too hot. But we have filled the old unused hot tub with cold water and we all spend time in it daily, especially the kids, who are learning to swim.

Picked my first eggplant today and we have a bunch of baby tomatoes - we planted mainly heirloom tomatoes and my Cherokee Purple is putting out a lot of little babies. We're looking at investing in some excellent organic topsoil early next spring as the dirt here is too dense and has too much clay in it. A lot of things - flowers, veggies, etc - don't seem to want to grow in the dirt here. Plus we have gophers, so the current plan is to dig about a foot down, put down a layer of chicken wire, then put the dirt back, mixed with the topsoil. That means that next year we will have a real vegetable garden, not just a few plants here and there.

Been sick for the last 4 days - an intestinal flu according to the doctor, who took me out of work for the next couple of days. I applied for sick leave since I really can't afford to miss work. I have used the time to catch up on odds and ends around the house when I'm not sleeping. Applied for financial aid for school today as I desperately want to go back to college. Now I'm dithering, as usual, about my major. I know an Associate's degree in Library Science would be more useful, but the artist in me wants to just go for an art degree, just so I can say I have it. I hate trying to make this decision... thankfully I still have some time to decide while I take all my gen ed classes, if I get the financial assistance.

My serious C.O.

Eating watermelon

This is my kids' favorite fruit this summer....

My pretty C.J.

Just rambling

First of all, being poor totally sucks. We literally have no money at this point, and we owe people money. So, it's going to be a very, very tight month. On the plus side, we made our house payment, we have food, and our electricity is all paid up.

We've been debating back and forth about this house - it has a lot of problems. Plumbing/sewage, electricity, roof... all need work. So we've been debating essentially remodeling or tearing the whole damn thing down and starting over. After a lot of discussion and research, we'll remodel. I do love the layout of the house and some of the unique aspects, but the work... we're actually looking at refinancing to have both lower payments and the money to fix the place.

So, C.O. named our homeschool - OakTree Hill School. I don't have to register it for another 2 years, when he's six, but I like having a name for it and I like the name. I'm starting him on preschool this fall, to get him used to having regular lessons of a sort. We'll work on some math, telling time and I'm getting the book "How To Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons", plus we'll start on writing letters. I'm looking forward to it actually - I think the one-on-one time will be good for both of us. He's been going through a difficult phase lately, where he doesn't listen until I'm on the verge of yelling. It's hard being angry and frustrated so much of the time, but I just have to keep in mind that he'll outgrow this and that patience is the best way to deal with it. I'm trying to upload a picture of him that I liked but the photo publishing bit doesn't seem to be working for me.