On Loving Myself and Finding Contentment...

My hands that are capable of so much, dirty after an afternoon's hard work

I know we are supposed to love ourselves...but truthfully, I've found that harder in the past than I would like. Yes, there are things I truly like about myself, but love is a whole different level. However, as I have been through so much change this year, I have made peace with myself, and am truly content with where I am and where I am going. I'll warn my readers right up front that this post will be more personal than many I have written.

I'll briefly explain the picture of my hands above. I have always, as long as I can remember, disliked the shape and appearance of my hands. They are wide, short, chunky. But, I was looking at them the other day after working on our roof...dusty, scratched up a little...and I realized they are amazing. I can swing a hammer, pet the cat, sew a ripped seam, sketch, hold my husband's hand, stroke my daughter's hair, and so much more, with these hands. And so, in their practicality, their ability, they are beautiful.

At first, the transformation was simply physical. I began working out, eating "clean" and then "cleaner". I lost 40 pounds between January and last week (not terribly fast, I know).

From last fall to about 1 or 2 months ago

After a while though, it became more than physical. With the strength I was gaining, I felt stronger emotionally and mentally. Exercise helped calm and center me, even when I pushed myself to the brink of exhaustion. [I wish I could say I am not at all shallow, and did not care that I look better, but that would be a lie!]

Pushing myself physically eventually trickled over to pushing myself in other ways. If I could do 500 squats in a crazy bodybuilding gym (which I did, precisely once), what else could I do? On a whim, I applied for a Teaching Associate position, which I have written about here, and got it. I've been teaching Freshman Composition since late August, and I absolutely love my job. I feel like I've found what I am supposed to be doing, at long last, though better late than never, right?

Still, while things changed, and I changed, I didn't feel complete, or particularly content. Life just continued trucking along. But over the past few weeks, there has been a shift. I feel myself shifting. I have more interest in things that slid by the wayside over the past few overly hectic years. I want to read and drink tea, but also to garden, to clean out the rain-gutters, scrub the kitchen floor, cook from scratch and bake bread. I find myself wanting to live more, rather than wanting to avoid living more.

I don't know if I'm making much sense, or what this shift is all about. I just know that I feel much more engaged than I have in years, and part of that is that I am coming to appreciate myself on a much deeper level. And when I am am happy with myself, I want to be happy doing things and being with others.

This weekend especially marked some of that recent change. It was not a special weekend; it was just that I realized that by quitting one job (secretarial), I had freed up time, which is so, so precious. And by doing what I love, and being challenged by it, the time I am spending out of the home has real meaning too. This weekend, I stayed home, purposefully, and just lived. I baked Irish Soda bread; had stock going constantly in the crockpot; measured for and planned out our raised beds for a veggie garden in the spring; ordered seed catalogs (Baker Creek and Fedco, both heirloom-focused companies); made soup and a casserole; re-read from Animal, Vegetable, Miracle while drinking chai; watched movies with my kids; did some sewing; and helped winterize a leaky roof. By the end of the weekend, I felt accomplished and satisfied.

I also veered, purposefully, away from my more rigid eating patterns. I've been dissatisfied, and struggling a little, with them for a while. I don't want to be "on a diet", or endlessly counting and calculating grams of protein. I like good bread, and vegetable soups, and cheese, and beans and rice, as well as chicken, and salad, and Greek yogurt. I enjoy cooking, and sharing that cooking with my family. So I consciously made a decision to slow the weight loss efforts down (yes, even slower), and trust that by eating real food, I will eventually settle where I am supposed to be. I still plan on keeping my workouts up though -- 3 bootcamp workouts most weeks, plus an hour of TRX, and , if I feel like it, a 3+  mile run on the weekend. I like my workouts, the friends I work out with, and I like being strong.

I like where I am, and where I am going. I'm learning, finally, to enjoy the moment, to be present. And that all helps me love myself!

The Value of Projects, and Why We Don't Have "Grade Levels" Anymore...

We tend to be a fairly project oriented family as it is, but as part of their "secondary level" learning, I want the kids to each complete a long-term project. A quick search on the web says this about project-based learning:

The core idea of project-based learning is that real-world problems capture students' interest and provoke serious thinking as the students acquire and apply new knowledge in a problem-solving context. The teacher plays the role of facilitator, working with students to frame worthwhile questions, structuring meaningful tasks, coaching both knowledge development and social skills, and carefully assessing what students have learned from the experience. Advocates assert that project-based learning helps prepare students for the thinking and collaboration skills required in the workplace.
 
I think it also teaches follow-through, and allows varying methods of approaching varying topics. For my kids at least, hands-on learning is as important as book-based learning, and their projects will/do reflect that.

The Boy is already at work on his... the restoration of a 1940 Ford step-side pickup. He is essentially an apprentice: working under the tutelage of someone with vastly more experience; learning each part of what it takes to entirely rebuild an older vehicle from the smallest to the largest parts. It feeds his greatest passion as well, working with automobiles, and he knows it will provide him with valuable skills for his future. His plans for the immediate future, outlined further below, reflect his knowledge that this is what he wants to do.

As for The Girl, it seems likely, at the moment, that turning our yards, back and front, into a wildlife habitat will be her project (with my assistance/mentorship). But, she doesn't have to decide right this moment, as she has a few years left ahead of her as far as really homeschooling goes.

So...grade levels. I've pretty much abolished them as I think they are unnecessary for us. Instead, I'm coming up with a checklist of what each kid needs to complete to graduate, since as a private school, we set our own graduation requirements. Mine are as follows, though they are still a work in progress:

Language Arts: Be able to write effectively, and communicate orally with ease. This means they can write strong essays with different approaches, communicate properly with mail and email, and enjoy a discussion of literature, along with discussing other topics. My goal is to get them into an upper entry level English class at the junior college without trouble or remediation.

Math: They need to work up through Algebra 2, mostly if not all at home, and then do a semester of personal finance (or in The Boy's case, for his certificate program/associate's degree, Business Math). Each will also take an upper math class at the junior college, toward transfer credit (The Girl), or an associate's degree (The Boy).

History and Science: Historical and scientific literacy is my goal here. We delve more deeply when needed, and skim other topics as desired. They don't need to know everything about every field of science, or every point in history, but need to be familiar with how things work, and how they fit together.

Project-Based Learning: They will each complete a major project (see above).

Volunteer Work: Each will complete a minimum of 100 hours community service, which is actually pretty easy to do, since they already have numerous hours with food banks, puppy petting, and bicycle repair.

As I said, this is a work in progress, so we'll see what I come up with!

The Boy is in a period of transition. While he will continue some learning at home, he is getting ready to shift toward more junior college classes, moving forward toward an associate's degree in automotive technology. He'll be sixteen in the spring, and is, I think, mature enough to handle this challenge and period of change.

On the flip side, The Girl says she will not be ready to start at the junior college until she is about sixteen, which is fine. She'll be (as far as we know) doing her undergrad work there, before transferring to the local university for biology/wildlife studies.

I have come to really feel comfortable with this hybrid approach as they get older. They are no longer dependent on only my instruction, which is definitely a transition, but a good one.

Happy October!

October is my favorite month of the year. Something about the weather (we had rain today!!!), the pumpkins and squash, the leaves changing color, and of course, Halloween, all together make me feel very content.

What We're Up To...
We just started, last night, watching our Halloween-related/spooky movies, with Sleepy Hollow. Also on the list are Hocus Pocus, Practical Magic, The Addams Family, Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice, and, quite likely, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, among others. Perhaps Phantom of the Opera as well this year? We watched Dracula last year, so maybe Frankenstein should be considered. We have been watching Penny Dreadful, and it has been intriguing to watch characters from classic horror films/novels unfold.

Math is going along well for both kids, and we're getting going slowly with language arts. We've begun reading The Giver, and that's been found to be very thought provoking so far. We do plan to watch the movie after we finish the book, for comparison. This is the first novel we have chosen for a plunge into dystopian society, at the request of both kids.

The Boy is doing very well in his astronomy class, with a high A average at the moment. He's also been back at work on his truck restoration project after a couple of weeks off. And he's been visiting car shows/air shows, and has made videos for both. The Girl spends a lot of time lately sculpting again, and we're working on our wildlife habitat. She reads a lot on her Kindle lately, both in games, and about games, and animals. She set up a fishbowl in her room for a Betta fish, painting the backside of the fishbowl with a tropical underwater scene, so that her new fish, named Pearl, would "not be bored in there." We do need to get going on the Big History Project though, which The Girl has decided she will participate in, albeit somewhat loosely.

Other Tidbits...
I love my jobs teaching/working with students. I am far more content these days than with all of last year's crazy hectic scheduling, even though we have a little less money.

It's also soup season, and that makes me happy! Last week, I made a giant pot of taco bean soup, and right now I'm also craving butternut squash-orange soup (I spice it up with smoked paprika, ginger, cumin, and a little chili powder), and The Girl wants this eggplant one.

I spent time today at the hardware store drooling over bulbs. My favorites are grape hyacinths, crocus, crocosmia, daffodils, and paperwhite narcissus, so I think there might be a bulb-purchase-and-planting day coming up soon! Other yard-based tasks to be done include harvesting olives in another month or so, clearing ground for raised beds at last, and strengthening the chicken hutch before winter gets here. I also really want to get/make a Halloween wreath for the front door by next weekend!

Enjoy your October!